Beware: It’s Christmas Eve

How are you feeling?

Excited hopefully, it’s Christmas Eve. But beware, this is an emotional and stressful time that can take its toll.

According to the Christmas issue of the British Medical Journal, the risk of heart attack peaks at around 10pm on Christmas Eve, particularly for older and sicker people, most likely due to heightened emotional stress.

This is what a Swedish study has found and probably not what you want to hear as you are tucking into another mince pie. The team behind the study said,

In this nationwide real world study covering 16 years of hospital admissions for myocardial infarction with symptom onset documented to the nearest minute, Christmas and Midsummer holidays were associated with a higher risk of myocardial infarction

Okay, to lift the mood it’s time for a bit of light-hearted fun so let’s pull some Christmas crackers.

Christmas cracker jokes are usually truly terrible – and we just can’t get enough of them.

Here’s my top 50 of the worst best!

  1. What did the beaver say to the Christmas Tree?
 Nice gnawing you!
  2. Why are Christmas Trees like bad knitters? They keep loosing their needles!
  3. What do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk?
 Jingle Smells!
  4. Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
 Santa Jaws
  5. Who is Santa’s favorite singer? Elf-is Presley!
  6. What do Santa’s little helpers learn at school?
 The elf-abet!
  7. What did Santa say to the smoker? Please don’t smoke, it’s bad for my elf!
  8. What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
  9. Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?
 They always drop their needles!
  10. Did Rudolph go to school? No. He was Elf-taught!
  11. What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? Claustrophobia!
  12. What do they sing at a snowman’s birthday party? Freeze a jolly good fellow
  13. Why does Santa have three gardens? So he can ‘ho ho ho’!
  14. “Knock, knock.” “Who’s there?” “Arthur.” “Arthur who?” “Arthur any mince pies left?”
  15. What do vampires sing on New Year’s Eve? Auld Fang Syne
  16. What does Santa do with fat elves? 
He sends them to an Elf Farm!
  17. What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas? “
It’s Christmas, Eve!”
  18. How many letters are in the Christmas alphabet?
 25 – there’s “no EL”!
  19. What carol is heard in the desert? 
O camel ye faithful!
  20. What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas? 
Cross Mouse Cards!
  21. What athlete is warmest in winter?
 A long jumper!
  22. What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? 
  23. What’s the most popular Christmas wine? 
’I don’t like Brussels sprouts!’
  24. Why did Santa’s helper see the doctor?
 Because he had a low “elf” esteem!
  25. What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar?
 He got 25 days!
  26. Why did the turkey join the band?
 Because it had the drumsticks!
  27. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
  28. What do snowmen wear on their heads?
 Ice caps!
  29. How do snowmen get around?
 They ride an icicle!
  30. What song do you sing at a snowman’s birthday party?
 Freeze a jolly good fellow!
  31. How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
 One that’s deep pan, crisp and even!
  32. Who hides in the bakery at Christmas? A mince spy!
  33. What do you call a cat in the desert?
 Sandy Claws!
  34. What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?
 A Holly Davidson!
  35. What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
 A Christmas Quacker!
  36. What is the best Christmas present in the world?
 A broken drum, you just can’t beat it!
  37. How did Scrooge win the football game?
 The ghost of Christmas passed!
  38. What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
  39. What does the Queen call her Christmas Broadcast? The One Show!
  40. Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars? Because their days are numbered!
  41. Why are Christmas trees so bad at knitting? Because they always drop their needles
  42. What did the farmer get for Christmas? A cowculator
  43. Who hides in a bakery at Christmas? A sensible turkey
  44. What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck? Loads of presents, then a bill
  45. What’s a horse’s favourite TV show? Mane of thrones? Pony Foals and Horses? Strictly Come Prancing?
  46. How did Mary and Joseph figure out baby Jesus was exactly 7lb 9oz? They had a weigh in a manger
  47. Which side of a turkey has the most feathers? The outside
  48. Who’s Rudolph’s favourite singer? Beyon-sleigh
  49. What kind of music do elves listen to? Wrap
  50. How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces he’s visited? He keeps a logbook

Try and get some rest this Christmas otherwise you’ll go crackers when the new term starts.

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