Cancer And What Not To Say

When people find out that you have cancer they can be lost for words.

And who can blame them? It’s not an easy subject to chat about so saying nothing is often the preferred option.

Those that do make conversation often don’t know what to say, how to say it or when to say it because cancer is an unavoidably ‘awkward’ topic to broach.

Some people choose not to talk about cancer and some go even further than that and stop communicating with you altogether.

There are the deserters who make all the right noises and say things like “Well, if there’s anything you need, you know where we are!” – except they aren’t actually there for you when you really need some help. These magicians just disappear.

They may genuinely wish us well, but heading for the exit doors means they don’t have to deal with an uncomfortable situation. It’s more awkward for them in the long run though as they spend a lot of time crossing the road and taking the long way home.

Then there are those uniquely qualified people who are experts at putting their feet right in it.

Let’s be generous and assume they mean well.

Or, let’s not.

Let’s be honest and shake our heads in utter disbelief. They walk on a banana skin, pick it up, throw it in front of themselves and slip on it again!

There are loads of things people say to us that can rankle.

For example, here’s a few classics from the ‘Engage Brain Before Operating Mouth Society’:

1.  Have you heard about the superfoods diet that can cure cancer?
2.  My friend’s mum had this cancer and she survived another 4 years.
3.  You certainly don’t look unwell!
4.  How long did they give you?
5.  Have you tried cannabis oil? (often heralded as a treatment for cancer but there’s no science to support this).
6. You’ve got this!
7. etc, etc

Don’t get me wrong, some of the things people say such as “You are an inspiration!” or “You are coping so well!” definitely do come from a good place. They can be uplifting and motivating. They come from good people.

But clearly, there are some insensitive souls that generate sentences where they have forgotten to ‘self-edit’ and so they end up making a Horlicks of it.

It’s easy to get offended especially with something as raw and emotional as cancer and it is easy to take some comments and reactions to heart.

The thing is, as a cancer patient I have learned to develop a thick skin and I certainly don’t waste energy on the foozling and foul ups that might come may way.

You see, the thing is, having cancer doesn’t make you an expert. I too can make a monumental cock-up of talking to someone else about their cancer. I can sometimes make a real hash of it because I haven’t read the room properly or I might be trying too hard.

Some cancer patients don’t want to talk about their health history and prefer just to go for treatment and talk about something else.

There is no rule book and there can be no ‘approved’ list of things to say.

This is a very subjective experience and what might offend one person is water of a duck’s back to someone else depending on personal world views, value systems, culture, religious backgrounds, temperaments and plenty more besides. Sometimes it can be down to the tone of voice, the context in which it is said and the relationship (or lack of) involved.

Cancer patients have insights into their own disease and can share experiences about treatments etc but we a we are not a homogenous group with all the answers and it doesn’t qualify us to be skilful conversationalists or counsellors! People with the same cancer are not alike and can be poles apart in their coping mechanisms.

Even trained counsellors find it difficult to talk and listen about cancer so we shouldn’t be surprised if those without training trip over themselves.

I don’t even know what to say to myself and yes, I have been guilty of using thought terminating clichés because that’s sometimes easier. The phrase “It is what it is” just seems to fit sometimes but it shuts the conversation down rather than open it up.

Talking about cancer is tough and some people will mess it up, including us. But that’s life. It goes with the territory and we shouldn’t be or hurt or offended.

What is clear, cancer and mental health are inextricably intertwined and this involves everyone with varying degrees of ‘not knowing how to act’ by all concerned.

But we have made progress.

Cancer was unspeakable only a few decades ago, and now we talk about it more than ever. We just haven’t found the right words yet.