Teacher Jokes

What are your favourite ‘teacher’ jokes?

Here are a few of mine:

1. A man went into a fish shop and said, “Can I have a tail end, please?”
   So the man behind the counter said, ‘And they all lived happily ever after.’
2. The past, the present and the future all walked into a bar. It was tense.
3. Teacher: “Name two pronouns?”
   Student: “Who, me?”
4. 5 vowels, 8 consonants, a comma, and an exclamation mark appeared in court today. They’re due to be sentenced some time next month.
5. What do you say to comfort a Grammar teacher? There Their They’re.
6. Never date an apostrophe. They’re too possessive.
7. “What can you tell me about angle c?”
   “Hmm, is it acute?”
   “No, it’s a small island off the north coast of Wales.”
8. There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of you will get this.
9. A farmer told his dog to find the sheep and round them up. When the dog came back he asked how many sheep there were and the dog said “50”. The farmer said “Hmm, that’s funny. There were only forty-seven this morning.” The dog replied: “You said round them up.”
10. Why is the corner always the hottest part of the room?
    Because it’s 90 degrees
11. Nelson’s Column is 15 ft tall. Nelson was 5 ft tall. That’s Horatio of 3:1
12. What type of snake measures 3.14159 meters long?
    A pi-thon.
13. I went on holiday last week. I got an odd-job man in, gave him a list of ten jobs to do while I was away. When I got back, he’d only done jobs 1,3,5,7, and 9.
14. Where are all the top mathematicians buried? In the Symmetry.
15. My maths teacher asked me why I was doing my sums on the floor.
    I said: “You told us to do them without using tables.”
16. What do you do with a sick chemist? If you can’t helium and you can’t curium then you’d better barium.
17. What do you call an acid with an attitude? A-mean-oh acid.
18. A photon walks into a hotel and asks if he needs any help with his luggage. The photon responds: “No thanks, I’m traveling light.”
19. Never trust an atom.. they make up everything.
20. Chemists are always great at solving problems because they have all the solutions.
21. Reading a book on anti-gravity at the moment… I just can’t put it down.
22. A neutron walks into a bar, and ask the bartender for a drink. The bartender responds: “For you, no charge.”
23. I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium were dating and I was like “OMg”
24. Since light travels faster than sound, people may appear smart until you hear them speak.
25. What’s your favourite element? Helium. I can’t speak highly enough about it.
26. Last night I dreamt I wrote The Lord of the Rings. Then I realized I was just Tolkien in my sleep.
27. I’m close friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don’t know Y.
28. Last night my classroom was broken into and all of the dictionaries were stolen. I’m lost for words.
29. You can throw an envelope as far as you want, but it’ll still be stationary.
30. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but you mean your mother.
31. How many eggs do French folk have for breakfast? One. Because one egg is un œuf.
32. I like Geography. You know where you are with Geography.
33. A Roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says, “Five beers, please!”
34. How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
    With a pair of Caesars!
35. What did Richard III say when a planning proposal was submitted for building a car park? “Over my dead body.”